From now on I will ONLY design evil lairs. Because all the best architecture is designed for the evil.
My work will have moats, and concrete, and glass and steel. I will design 16-story one-bedroom homes, with helipads, and lots of electronics. There will be a retractable roof, maybe lasers.
I will completely ignore the building code, because you know “evil”. Building codes are for the common people. Not for the evil.
The stairs will have no railings. None. Screw OSHA. Falling from the stair into the reflecting pool is just my way of thinning out the weak. The risers will be open too. Watch your shins.
There will be an improbable cantilever, probably over the side of a cliff. My enemies will dangle there while I stand on their fingers and laugh maniacally. The rock below will be jagged and unforgiving. You could scream of course, but obviously this lair will be remote. No one is going to hear you. Oh, was there a 42″ guard rail next to the cliff edge? Of course there wasn’t.
The lair will be clad in reflective glass, arranged in a precise semi-circle. At exactly 12:45 on the summer equinox, this form will focus the sun’s rays and intensify them, melting you and your passing Jaguar XJR. Somewhere in Uruaguay, Rafael Vinoly will receive a call on a burner cell. “it’s done” I will say.
My lair will dissolve the separation between the inside and the outside, by using acid.
The view from my lair will be breath-taking. Literally.
It will be vast, open, and sparingly furnished. And grossly over budget. It will be financed out of several Swiss bank accounts from various shell companies. The real money will be coming from the cartel. I will write “glazing” in the memo section of all of the checks. The off-shore banks will know what this means.
There will be a large safe in the master closet, covered by a rare Mondrian print. Within the safe will be a leather case with $250,000, a pistol, and a black and white photograph of Le Corbusier, naked, with a large scar on his leg.
I will live here alone.
The design of the lair will be featured on the cover of the August 2014 issue of Architecture magazine.
Daniel Libeskind will see this, then slowly rise and move towards the master closet. He will remove the Mondrian print, and open the safe. Inside the safe will be a small remote control with a flashing red button. Libeskind will press the button, with the slightest hint of a smile crossing his face.
And it will begin.
Jody Brown, AIA Leed AP is an architect, proud Dad, loving husband, awesome cook, coffee and wine snob, old-time banjo player, ukulele and piano player wanna-be, constant drawer, and sometime painter. He's also the brain behind Coffee with an Architect and Jody Brown Architecture. Follow him @JodyBrownArch
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